hurt her now or hurt her later?

[nicoretteaddict]

I met someone who. . . . after three dates, she's saying things like, "We must be the luckiest two people in the world." She's a good woman, she makes me feel like a bad man. She's emotionally providing, which I love, which I need. I typically meet women who are emotionally closed off and make up for it with their sexuality. I don't see a real future here. I can make her happy for a while, maybe very happy, for a few months at the outside. I tried to tell her this tonight and we got in an argument followed by . . . She's got to be the most naive person in the world. I've never met anyone who was so blind to the fact that, when we meet someone we like, we make an effort to be charming in order to make it fun for the other person. We do it honestly, but it's shaded. I've never had someone take to me this quickly. Please, give me permission to stay with her? Come on. I'll cut your grass all summer if you just tell me to enjoy myself. The king hell rationalization I'm using is that, when you love someone, you want him/her to stay no matter what.

[redfyre]

I am assuming that you believe that your connection with this woman is short term at best? And that you get the vibe that she, after three dates, is picking out china patterns?

The way I see it, there are two things going on here. The first thing is your handling of the situation. You have to be brutally honest with her if you want nothing more than short term. If you allow her to believe it is more when you know it isn't then that is wrong. It would be better by far for you to end it now than to lead her on. And even if you say short term only, and she says ok, but you know she is secretly hoping you change your mind, then end it now. That is what a decent, honest man would do.

The other thing going on is her perception of reality. Three dates and she is taking things seriously already? A true relationship only comes with time. Time as in maybe three months, preferably six months or better yet a year. The way you described her makes it sound as though she is a little too ready to rush into things. And if you are not interested in having a serious relationship, then you need to get out now, before she gets seriously hurt.

If you're looking for permission to continue this, knowing she thinks she is getting one thing, while you're interested in far less, then you won't get it from me, or anyone with an ethical point of view. If she is naive, then the onus is on you to be mature and responsible.

Frankly, the whole situation sounds rife with potential disaster, and even someone looking for a possible relationship might be wary of someone who gets too intense too fast. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you look at worst case scenario as well as best. Some things simply aren't worth the resultant fallout.

[beaw]

Brilliant, Redfyr!

Absolutely great analysis!

[houstoncougar]

reds right nicorette but I have a feeling you already knew the answer before you asked the question...

[Laurad121]

I think you should stop seeing her. And as others have said you know this is the correct decision before you even asked here. Otherwise, she will fall head over heels and it will turn out badly since you don't see a future with her. She sounds like the type of woman that if you kept telling her that you don't want a serious relationship that she would make it her mission to change your mind while falling for you at the same time. I find that an initial instinct to not continue a relationship is accurate.

[sonia]

But you haven't said how you really feel about her: you say you don't see a future with her but haven't elaborated to say whether that is because you do not want a longterm relationship with anyone or whether you just don't see one with her. Are you just looking to be with someone to 'enjoy yourself'? How do you know your feelings towards her won't deepen and you will want to stay with her? Actually you speak about her in quite a disrespectful way: if you can do that and 'ask permission' to stay with her from a bunch of strangers then actually you have no business staying with her at all. Stop humiliating her and walk away.

[phxgirl1]

nicoretteaddict
"I've never met anyone who was so blind to the fact that, when we meet someone we like, we make an effort to be charming in order to make it fun for the other person. We do it honestly, but it's shaded."

What I don't get is your line "honestly, but it's shaded". Why can't people just be themselves? She obviously thinks you are being yourself and sincerely liking her.

She seems either a bit needy or you've been just a bit too shaded and have led her on to something you didn't intend. It's best to be honest with her (really honest, not shaded honest). Forget your need to please yourself and be honest with her and let her go through her pain and leave her alone. That's my opinion.

Certainly, if you are the nice man you portray yourself to be and know what you're up too, then you don't really need our opinion on hurting someone else's feelings.

End it and move on. Be more sincere and not shaded next time so you don't find yourself in this situation again. There are ways to be charming without leading someone on. Maybe you need to work on that strategy.

Good luck.

[tiffanyfontaine]

Your post is extremely unclear to me. You obviously are attracted to this woman; you indicate you're having a physical relationship with her, so there's a spark. You also say she's "emotionally providing which I love." So, obviously, her expressing her affection for you is something you "love" about her. You also say that she's different from all the other women you've been with and you like that. You go on to talk about how much you like her. You even express that you may be with her for months. I can't understand why you then, paradoxically, decide you know you will end your relationship with her, for no apparent reason, after possibly staying with her for a long while. How would you know you'll end it at some unknown date in the future? How do you know what you'll feel if you are with her for many weeks? If her only flaw is that she occasionally says she thinks the two of you are lucky to be together and her openness about her feelings is one of the main attractions about her, what's the problem? You don't seem like the typical player, since most NSA guys certainly don't stick around with a woman longer than a couple of nights. I think you're conflicted and that you care for this woman more than you think. It sounds like you're simply afraid of falling in love with her. Be honest with her about your conflicted emotions and ask her if the two of you could slow things down a bit and try to get to know each other as friends. Date. Go out places together and talk to each other. Then, have a grown-up discussion with her about your feelings.

[gypsyred]

It seems pretty clear to me that you started dating her, to enjoy the benes, without ever having the intention of getting closer. If you are typical of most cubs, you probably thought a fling with an older woman would be fun, and assumed that older women are the actual predators, looking for sexual gratification only. Not true. Its a stereotype. There are many stereotypes. I personally assume now that young men only want a sexual experience with an older woman. We all want different things.

Had you been clear with her from the beginning, you are clear to behave the way you want. She may indeed be wanting to change your mind, and for that, she is responsible for her heart. You can repeat to her again that your intentions are friends with benefits and you don't see a future together, except maybe friendship.

But if you have not been clear, then you should let her know, now...and end the relationship, because its already gone too far and she has bought a bill of goods that is defective from the start. For her sake, do this, because you are a nice guy who apparently forgot that honesty is the best policy.

You never know...you may connect with an older woman who will give you what you want, with everything on the table...although I doubt whether she will give you her heart for the sake of sex.