Online VS Real Life meetings

[barbcast]

Hey all,

Forgive me if I don't get my words straight, so much is flogging through my head right now...

So... They say that our ways of mating/dating/communicating with the opposite sex are determined young, right? Like we develop patterns, or at least in my case I think I have, and a lot of people have said the same to me over the years.

I'm like this...

I meet someone, I look into their eyes, I smile, maybe they do too...

Words are exchanged, and I can sense if there's "chemistry" from our interactions. I KNOW if I want to kiss him... I KNOW if I want him to touch me, based on what my body is telling me and what my heart is doing.

I feel a face to face meeting initially is a really important part of the beginning of anything.

You can't have that when you have met online. It's just GONE. Period. Because once you "like" them, there are expectations, sometimes promises made, that only CHEMISTRY can keep/fulfill.

I met someone nice, but I don't feel too secure about it. One time I met who I thought was a cool person, and he turned out to be a jerk. He was pushing me, saying "I have feelings for you, dont you have any for me?"

We had just started talking TWO weeks before!!! Am I nuts to not feel anything even though he poured out his heart to me about his life and I listened?

After me telling him I'd have to MEET him and spend time with him to be able to feel anything, he got mad and started being really nasty.

The one last night was sweet, and we talked for several hours. I do like him, but I still feel like unless you meet in person instead of online, you can't POSSIBLY know what is possible for you. It's just a computer answering you, not a flesh and bone person.

We don't really live close to each other so it's not like I can just go out with him tonight and see how things go. He's like 12 hours away at the least.

I've never met anyone online which lead to something worthwhile in life, most people are different in their online self and their real self. I personally am the same person either way, because I don't know how to be different.

I'm interested to hear how some of you ladies from the pre computer/internet era of youthful dating feel on this issue... Do you struggle with it like I do? If not, any ideas on how I should handle it myself? I do like the guy so far, but I DO feel like chemistry makes or breaks things. You either FEEL something when you look at someone in the eyes, face to face, or you don't. It would be sad to like someone a whole lot over a computer then meet and have it be Um... No... Because those pheromones just aren't kickin in.

Oh well, that's the rub. Let me know what you all think

[vita]

Yes I think you're right, online meeting definitely has its complications and challenges, without a doubt. It's very easy to build up an image of someone based on what you want rather than who they are. There are so many gaps in our knowledge about someone we meet online that we can fill them with what we want - and then, when we meet, the reality might be different. (But isn't that also true, sometimes, for real life meets? Perhaps less so because there's fewer gaps in knowledge about someone's physical appearance, but I think it definitely still happens - we can imbue a range of desires and needs on to others if we think they'll meet them)

Of course there are deliberate fakers and scammers online everywhere so let's dismiss them and assume (BIG assumption) that we're able to spot them. You say you are who you are online and off. I think, for those of us who are genuine, it's not that anyone is trying to be fake, but it's impossible for "who we are" to be represented wholly through this medium.

I find using skype really helps - having someone's voice, tone inflection, hearing the emotions, makes all the difference in getting a more accurate sense of who someone is. I guess if you have a webcam, even more so (I am not sure how convinced I am of this because web cams or photos don't completely reflect what someone looks like either and I hate using them, personally).

I think you can develop an interest in someone based on what they say, not what they look like. And, just because, to-date, it's always happened in a particular way (e.g. looking into someone's eyes) doesn't mean it always will develop in that way in the future. As humans, we're flexible about how we can connect with others. My suggestion is to, perhaps, be open to connections/attractions rather than rigidly decide they go down a particular pathway.

Having said that, I'd be wary of someone putting pressure on to meet if you're not ready. It doesn't bode well. Go with your instincts and don't be pressured into anything you're not sure about.

[violet]

I would also be wary of someone being pushy and saying they have feelings for you very quickly before you've met. It's perfectly natural to want to meet someone face to face before deciding anything.

[asouthernbelle]

It is for this very reason I now will not chat with any guy who lives more than an hour away. The chances of actually meeting in person is slim to none when they're any farther away. Of course, if you really have no interest in going beyond cyber, then distance isn't an obstacle.

[barbcast]

LOL Belle... I actually have that in my ad!!!

"Sorry but if you are more than 1 hour away from me, please don't bother replying... I'm really looking to meet someone, not just have an online friend, no offense to anyone"

But whats funny tho is, the guy last night, I IGNORED my rule, he even asked me about why later, as we were talking, and I said I dont know something just blanked that part out... Turns out he's a musician who travels, so I doubt we'd have the issues some might, which is one of the main reasons I allowed the conversation to go on...

We'll see.

[lunamor]

Originally Posted by barbcast

unless you meet in person instead of online, you can't POSSIBLY know what is possible for you. It's just a computer answering you, not a flesh and bone person [...] Do you struggle with it like I do? [...] chemistry makes or breaks things. [...] It would be sad to like someone a whole lot over a computer then meet and have it be Um... No... Because those pheromones just aren't kickin in.

You're absolutely right, don't question yourself on this!

Oh, and welcome

[houstoncougar]

I have to agree with you on almost every point you made. I can't stand the drag on of all the cyber stuff only to find out you just don't "click" with the person in person! I too dislike talking to guys who live more than 50 miles away from me because more than likely we will never meet. It's amazing how many guys I have wasted time communicating with in all different forms and nothing ever became of it. I have had some very moving soul searching conversations with a couple of guys who I felt I really connected with yet when it came right down to the nitty gritty of meeting in REAL LIFE they, not I, blew it. So, for me, it's all about the meet and greet!

[susanlb50]

I agree too, I have wasted so much time with guys that live in another state because in the end we have never met..and with guys that live close to me if we don't meet pretty fast the chances are they will disappear anyways..I've met alot that in person I just didn't feel the chemistry so, yes there is nothing like meeting face to face...

[barbcast]

Yeah, this one's turning out to be a jackass too. Adds me on FB, then proceeds to DELETE all the nice comments I made on his page? And then DELETES the "is now friends with" activity comment?

What do you have to HIDE boy???

TYVM I'll stick with my brat I think. HE has NEVER been this much trouble, and at least with HIM I know right off where I stand he will DENY me to my face when he's feeling to do that rather than play games.

[vita]

One of my closest friends met his husband randomly in a pub one night. My friend is from Manchester, England and the husband is from Boston, USA. My friend travelled to Boston regularly for 2 years until they got married and communicated via msn, skype etc in-between times. This was...I've lost count actually..about 5 years ago, I think, and they're still together and married.

Distance doesn't HAVE to be a barrier. I think sometimes we decide something won't or will work out (as I was saying above)...However, I think we all know there's a hell of a lot of players and scammers on sites like this which is probably what the real problem is most of the time