Interesting question....

[tacittales]

the "is all fair in love and war?" one, that is.

I like to examine the ways that people act, because their actions are often a consequence of how they think. In this place of places, the idea of open-mindedness is overtly hanging in the air, the very scent of possibility carries on the wind; a meeting of the minds, the new flow that is created when two streams interlock.

Let's suppose you start corresponding with a woman and really hit it off: you share a few points of view, he thinks she's intelligent and interesting, she thinks he's charming and witty. Both get a good impression, but neither wants to show their hand fully. Caught up in the joys of someone fresh and exciting, the woman inadvertently reveals that she weighs considerably more than her photographs suggested. The guy stops all correspondence in a knee-jerk reaction.

Is he a[n] [insert favourite expletive]? Consider the roles reversed, and whether the context alters in your mind. Even a different circumstance or attribute of each person: age [where it may fall above or below some arbitrary figure that lives inside of each person's mind as a measure of maturity, youth, fun, or similar], career, religion, political persuasion, some insignificant aspect of appearance etc. and it starts to make me think.

What does it imply about the notion of open-mindedness in ideal, and the notion in reality? I sometimes wonder if the outward appearance of this impartiality is more valuable to people than ensuring it resides within you.

[yakimaboomer]

I think it is human nature that we are first attracted to the person's appearance, however, with that being said, if you like the person and have common intersts, why can't you just continue to be friends online? There is no reason to back away from people because of issues of their appearance. Establish boundries and tell them you want to get to know them, and if things such as their appearance pops up and you can't deal, let them know you want to be just friends. There is no written rule that says when we talk to people online that it has to lead to romance.

[tacittales]

True about appearance, but I'm extrapolating that to basically every little characteristic about people that we get to know.

The whole idea of older women and younger men is seen internally as open-minded. It seems anything but to go from liking a person on so many levels, to avoiding them completely over one thing that isn't perfect about the person, irrespective of what that is.

That's kind of why I'm saying that the outward appearance of open-mindedness sometimes isn't matched by the behaviour that we exhibit when we find out truths about other people.

I hope I hadn't made myself too unclear.... confused myself a couple of times there.

[lunamor]

Appearance doesn't necessarily affect friendship. Getting to know someone better as a friend can (possibly) lead to overlooking/rethinking what's "attractive" or not, but no attraction = no romance: it's not fair, or logical, it's not politically correct, but it's just that way.

And we've all probably been on both sides of this: desiring but not being desired/being desired but not desiring.

Yes, it's obvious ("the discovery of hot water", like they say in Italy).

But there it is!

[tacittales]

Again, I'm not sure if the post was construed in quite the way it was intended.

It's not necessarily about looks. It can be about a person's location, their career, their marital status [or previous status] their social status, religion, political leanings.... the list can go on.

[yakimaboomer]

In the final analysis,it os not ok to just dump someone regarless of issues such as location and appearance if you are online friends, but if you do not have some common interst then it is ok, Perhaps we cannot find common ground and move on.

[tacittales]

Reading back, this made a whole lot more sense inside my head....

It was probably the Silene Capensis talking.

[yakimaboomer]

LMAO, it's ok, sometimes what we think and what we write cannot be in line.....

[bluesybil_ll]

Originally Posted by tacittales

Reading back, this made a whole lot more sense inside my head....

eh..happens to me all the time. I seem to be perfectly capable of talking myself to a utterly confused standstill. I'm sure that will be the case here

I'm still not real convinced that I grasp exactly what you are trying to express but I'll snag what I see and run with it. Probably off base but perhaps it will, if nothing else help you clarify for us what you aren't talking about..lol

Caveat: all this rambling is IMO and YMMV

Few factors...

Open mindedness is something of an interpretive concept I think.
For some folks simply interacting on line period is open minded behavior. Certainly breaking established social mores and taboos is. Some people are just more exploratory than others by nature. Its not that they are necessarily more "open minded" per se, but that its kind of hard wired with in them to be more adaptable to new experiences and changes within the realms of their own perceptions. IOW, they are rigid in their flexibility...sounds like a zen thing doesn't it?

'nother factor being Compatibility.
True Friendship is a highly under rated thing IMO. And far more difficult to obtain than a lover. Personally I can't be romantically involved with anyone that I can't be friends with and I don't care if he looks like Adonis ::g:: Conversely the more I like someone the more attractive they become to me. So I may start out luke warm on the subject but find as various mental and emotional connections are made that the person has become extremely interesting indeed And some interactions for whatever reason stay in the Friend category regardless...don't always know why that is but it happens. Some spark or something simply isn't there to cause it to be anything else.

Another Factor and probably the most driving one is what needs are being met (or not) by any given interaction. The need for something or another is what spurs people to seek connection.

For example Distance is a big issue for a lot of people. Far as I can tell its because LD relationships while not impossible, do have really bad track records. Some of the most common ways people bond with one another occur on a subconscious level..things like touch, scent and consistent proximity. Don't get much of that done via IM and phone calls. If the person is the type that needs that form of bonding on a more or less regular basis then naturally they will eschew becoming romantically involved with someone too far away.

Third which falls under the sub heading of compatibility I guess, is Priority or what is inherently important to the individuals. What makes them feel secure, or good or what jibes with their core belief systems...or whatever...That can vary widely from person to person, and they may not always be rational but We all have em.

The lack of any one of these factors coming into play or playing out in an incompatible way is going to invariably lead to some sort of disconnect.

::g:: did any of that hold the least bit of relevance to the topic?

[yakimaboomer]

SEE! I knew we needed Sybil back, she can dig in and pull out the answers every time. Well done, sweetie