Interesting question....

[noxidira]

Originally Posted by tacittales

Reading back, this made a whole lot more sense inside my head....

It was probably the Silene Capensis talking.

I got what you were saying... it's just that you used "looks" for a comparasion. Maybe you should have used another example.

Anyway... Yeah... I believe there are deal breakers.

As with all of you I have a pretty good idea what my "dream guy" looks like and of course would LOVE to have HIM in my life. But... ya know... sometimes you actually have to talk to them and that's where things like intelligence and common interest come into play more so than looks.

I was handed a great cock and bull story a few years back from a guy I met online. It turns out that not only did this fella lie about his looks... but about his interests... and about his marital status (even though his wife had moved her BF into their house... apparently she was still in charge of what he did and who he talked to)... and quite a few other things.
I found out... after moving across the states... that he had lied so much that I didn't know anything about him at all nor did we have much in common. His looks were never an issue... but jeez... the rest of that **** was.
I gave it a shot. Hell... I really didn't want to think that I spent all that money and came all that way for nothing. So I tried. He even went so far as to talk me into moving in with him once his wife had moved out of the house to be with yet another man (in retrospect - they were perfect for one another because...)
Not too long after I moved in... he went out with a couple of younger woman (younger than him). So... not only was I painfully aware that everything he said may well be a lie... but also everything he did.

But... that's kinda the chances you take on the net. I'm STILL kicking myself in the butt over him.

I'm still willing to take chances and meet potential partner cubs online... but you can bet I won't be making all those mistakes again... I'll probably make whole new ones.

[bluesybil_ll]

Originally Posted by yakimaboomer

SEE! I knew we needed Sybil back, she can dig in and pull out the answers every time. Well done, sweetie

lol! Well Boomer, I don't know that there were answers in all that or anything even pertinent to the matter...more like sifting through thought food

[tacittales]

Originally Posted by bluesybil_ll

eh..happens to me all the time. I seem to be perfectly capable of talking myself to a utterly confused standstill. I'm sure that will be the case here

I'm still not real convinced that I grasp exactly what you are trying to express but I'll snag what I see and run with it. Probably off base but perhaps it will, if nothing else help you clarify for us what you aren't talking about..lol

Caveat: all this rambling is IMO and YMMV

Few factors...

Open mindedness is something of an interpretive concept I think.
For some folks simply interacting on line period is open minded behavior. Certainly breaking established social mores and taboos is. Some people are just more exploratory than others by nature. Its not that they are necessarily more "open minded" per se, but that its kind of hard wired with in them to be more adaptable to new experiences and changes within the realms of their own perceptions. IOW, they are rigid in their flexibility...sounds like a zen thing doesn't it?

I think I see where you're headed: how far they're willing to trot out of the comfort zone is the yardstick of their own mind, and their own perceptions; the self as the only frame of reference.

Originally Posted by bluesybil_ll

'nother factor being Compatibility.
True Friendship is a highly under rated thing IMO. And far more difficult to obtain than a lover. Personally I can't be romantically involved with anyone that I can't be friends with and I don't care if he looks like Adonis ::g:: Conversely the more I like someone the more attractive they become to me. So I may start out luke warm on the subject but find as various mental and emotional connections are made that the person has become extremely interesting indeed And some interactions for whatever reason stay in the Friend category regardless...don't always know why that is but it happens. Some spark or something simply isn't there to cause it to be anything else.

Yes, and this is both a personally understood [however incomplete] idea, as well as what I was trying to explore. This'll [hopefully] make sense in a minute:

Throughout many family, social and personal relationships in life, I've noticed that all of the considerate, kind and thoughtful things that you do for other people seem to build really slowly; it takes a lot of hard work if you're pursuing a goal, be it friendship, career, a person's affections.... that's fine, because nothing comes easy. But, in stark contrast, I've noticed that the inclusion into the mix of any of these relationships of just one negative factor, and that relationship holds an air of being "tarnished", as though it just wouldn't have made an adequate Disney classic, completely ignoring that men and women are fallible creatures.

When I read over about being in a relationship with someone you're friends with, I cast a bit of a knowing smile. I don't want to go quoting Michael Bolton songs and ruining the moment *L*, so I'll just say that yes, I do understand in my own way. Someone I gel with is someone I want to be around more: it's better than the idea of being thrust into someone's personal space, and then figuring out whether you like them or not.

Originally Posted by bluesybil_ll

Another Factor and probably the most driving one is what needs are being met (or not) by any given interaction. The need for something or another is what spurs people to seek connection.

For example Distance is a big issue for a lot of people. Far as I can tell its because LD relationships while not impossible, do have really bad track records. Some of the most common ways people bond with one another occur on a subconscious level..things like touch, scent and consistent proximity. Don't get much of that done via IM and phone calls. If the person is the type that needs that form of bonding on a more or less regular basis then naturally they will eschew becoming romantically involved with someone too far away.

Third which falls under the sub heading of compatibility I guess, is Priority or what is inherently important to the individuals. What makes them feel secure, or good or what jibes with their core belief systems...or whatever...That can vary widely from person to person, and they may not always be rational but We all have em.

The lack of any one of these factors coming into play or playing out in an incompatible way is going to invariably lead to some sort of disconnect.

::g:: did any of that hold the least bit of relevance to the topic?

Ha, yeah it did. The part about friendship made the most sense, and that's what I was touching upon. If you'd learned fifty things about someone and liked every one of them, then it'd be a finicky person to throw the baby out with the bathwater upon finding one negative aspect, insignificant or not.

Since the 'net, mobile phones, and other forms of detached communication [you were saying about "kind of Zen"? *L*], the idea of [near] instantaneous communication has grown a tumor of demanding near instantaneous satisfaction.

If we're constantly qualifying other people from some self-appointed pedestal, then ultimately there's going to be a lot of dissatisfaction: a colossal amount, that surpasses the small let-down you might have felt from that one negative thing you didn't like about a person versus the fifty things you did.

[tacittales]

Originally Posted by noxidira

I got what you were saying... it's just that you used "looks" for a comparison. Maybe you should have used another example.

Yeah, the idea of looks was probably a silly one - I threw in some other qualities ex post, but I think the bird had flown *g*.

Originally Posted by noxidira

Anyway... Yeah... I believe there are deal breakers.

As with all of you I have a pretty good idea what my "dream guy" looks like and of course would LOVE to have HIM in my life. But... ya know... sometimes you actually have to talk to them and that's where things like intelligence and common interest come into play more so than looks.

Compromise within and without is part and parcel of all relationships, I think: I can't imagine even the best of relationships as never hitting a snag. It's good that you've still got the grounding of factors other than appearance, too - comforting to people who share the ideal.

I wanted to say a couple of things about the "dream guy" idea - first difference is obvious in that mine would be a woman *g* but also that I might differ from lots of people in that I don't have an "image" of an ideal person. For reasons logical to me, if I've painted a picture of what I want, then I'm constantly going to be a troubled artist, looking back and forth from subject to painting, making comparisons and criticisms before their time. In that sense, the subject never has a chance to relax, and just.... be. This isn't to say that's what other people do, but I probably would if I had built up an "ideal" person in my mind.

Originally Posted by noxidira

I was handed a great cock and bull story a few years back from a guy I met online. It turns out that not only did this fella lie about his looks... but about his interests... and about his marital status (even though his wife had moved her BF into their house... apparently she was still in charge of what he did and who he talked to)... and quite a few other things.
I found out... after moving across the states... that he had lied so much that I didn't know anything about him at all nor did we have much in common. His looks were never an issue... but jeez... the rest of that **** was.
I gave it a shot. Hell... I really didn't want to think that I spent all that money and came all that way for nothing. So I tried. He even went so far as to talk me into moving in with him once his wife had moved out of the house to be with yet another man (in retrospect - they were perfect for one another because...)
Not too long after I moved in... he went out with a couple of younger woman (younger than him). So... not only was I painfully aware that everything he said may well be a lie... but also everything he did.

But... that's kinda the chances you take on the net. I'm STILL kicking myself in the butt over him.

I'm still willing to take chances and meet potential partner cubs online... but you can bet I won't be making all those mistakes again... I'll probably make whole new ones.

...wow. I'm reminded of this part the most, in every bad decision I can ever recall making:

I really didn't want to think that I spent all that money and came all that way for nothing

I've felt that so many times, so much in fact that I'm tempted to think that we misinterpret that emotion from perhaps what it's supposed to be:

No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road - turn back

Interesting story as a whole, too.

[yakimaboomer]

Liked what you said about "No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road - turn back" I am using that advise as we speak and hopefully gain some unbelievable peace.

Can any of you tell me how to do the quote thing, I don't get it. Thanks.

[tacittales]

Here's a link to BB Code in vBulletin, but remember not all of the functions work in every forum: BB Code List - vBulletin Community Forum

The bottom right quote link will bring up the reply with the other person's text quoted in it. When you click that link, it'll bring up their response, and there will be a little bit of code at the start that says, for example, quote=John Doe;1902985 with these brackets [] around it. That opens up the quote. Using /quote with [] around it closes it off. You can break up someone's responses into sections using these two functions over again, and type your own message in between. I'll try to give an example using {} instead of []:

{quote=yakimaboomer;15994}Things that quoted person said{/quote} Then you can type all the bits you want to, and you can reopen it again with {QUOTE=yakimaboomer;15994}more stuff that quoted person has said{/quote} and close it off again.

I hope that helps.... I'm not overly savvy with that. If you try it out, click the preview button alot.... it'll tell you how you're doing *g*

[wetnwild]

to this thread, except I just wanted to say, tacit, I am VERY glad to have you here!!! You bring up some really interesting stuff and I wish we had more guys like you on the forums!!

Boomer, the easiest way to quote a post is just to hit the quote button right at the bottom of the person's post you are wanting to quote. From there you can edit out parts you don't need, meaning you don't have to quote the ENTIRE post the person said. Hope that helps!

[yakimaboomer]

Thanks WetnWild, I have enough computer knowledge to make me dangerous. So I will try it. Hope I don't blow the site up. LOL

[wetnwild]

Originally Posted by yakimaboomer

Thanks WetnWild, I have enough computer knowledge to make me dangerous. So I will try it. Hope I don't blow the site up. LOL

Nah, go ahead and blow it up. Maybe that way some of those sky-rocketing cubs will fall out into Arizona!! Hehe!!

[tacittales]

Originally Posted by wetnwild

to this thread, except I just wanted to say, tacit, I am VERY glad to have you here!!! You bring up some really interesting stuff and I wish we had more guys like you on the forums!!

Thank you - you're most kind. I usually find that people are more inclined to open up about topics that they're personally interested in.

Gives me an idea....