why do women put up with such men?

[startpoint]

Ladies,
why is it that you stick around in relationships with men who treat you as mere objects? I have just witnesed a distant cousin who I am very much in love with(see my post on this subject) having to drag her partner out of his car in order to get some help from him. He imedeaitly jumped straight back in as I was trying to speak to her as I have not seen her for a while. why do you tolerate such behavior? acoding to my cousin he has a great personality but judjing by his total lack of intrest, I find this hard to belive. What is wrong with guys like me who do take an intrest and want to treat you right?

[startpoint]

Tarni,
I think you are right about her not wanting to be alone. Her marrige failed and she was single for a while before meeting this jerk. I just wished I had told her about my feelings at the time but felt this would have upset her.

[sharps]

I pretty much agree with Tarni. I've become sick of the women my age (early 20's) not realising that there is life after a terrible partner. I do put it down to an age thing, although i could be wrong, as with this case.

[startpoint]

Thank you Tarni, now would not be a good time but I have told her that I will always be there for her if he does not treat her right and will look after her as I have always done. I am not running scared from telling her about how I feel but just feel it wold only make things worse for her and this is the last thing I want to do.

[startpoint]

Tarni,
I know you are right in what you say but I am so frightend of losing her as a friend if I tell her about how I feel. I just want her to be happy and if that means she stays with her present partner then so be it but as long as he treats her right. I do not want to losse her trust as she often confides in me and you do not do that with just any man now do you?

[desertfish]

Originally Posted by startpoint

Tarni,
I know you are right in what you say but I am so frightend of losing her as a friend.

I might be wrong about this, but as I see it, you've got nothing to loose by telling her how you feel about and have a lot to loose by NOT telling her. You telling her how you feel does not necessarily need to mean that you're putting your friendship on the line. If both of you are true friends, you'll get over this if the feeling is not mutual. You don't tell her how you feel, there is bound to come a time when you're going to ask yourself: "What if I told her?"

[bluesybil]

Just my thoughts...
Yes indeed there certainly are much worse things than being alone. Even though one can actually feel the most all alone when with the wrong person. But it can be a very, very difficult and slow lesson. It's also a distressing process for a friend to have to watch isn't it? Been on both sides of the fence.

To me, being a friend, a real one not just a polite aquaintance, can be kinda risky at times. There's a chance she may not be hostile at all, and simply disagree with you and leave it at that. Or she may get quite annoyed with you, particularly if what you have to say hits uncomfortably close to home, but if you don't say anything, you'd be shirking one of the most important parts of being a friend. Being honest enough and caring enough of the person to risk it.

You can't tell her what to do, nor is it your place, but you can express your concerns as a friend so at least she will have some kind of validation and sense of support when or if the time comes in which she begins to question her choices. She may be in a self defeating and insecure head space right now so its also important to let her know (gently but consistantly) that she is a worthwhile person in her own right wheter she has a partner or not, and that she does deserve to be treated well. And that she really isn't alone.

Remain honest with her, and see what develops from there.

[startpoint]

Thank you!, This is great advice. I agree with you and have told her that I will always be here for her and that it does hurt to see her being hurt. It is difficult being a friend as well as a relative and I am so frightend of upseting her as I have seen a younger man make a pass at her before which resulted in the loss of a friendship but he was a bit full on, suggesting they start a family etc. I would simply like to see her happy and if that means she stays with her partner then so be it, that's her choice and I would support her in that even if it means I will never be with her. I would at least still have her as a friend. Can you understand this?

[startpoint]

Tarni, calm down! Yes I possibly do need a good kick but I do know that she clearly cares for him and still loves him. I really am so scared of lossing her. I will tell her again that I am here for her and care for her. It is a difficult situation and for me to go straight in and tell her would not benefit anyone. Thanks for all the good advice.

[startpoint]

Just a sudden thought. I think my fith cousin may not be a convert to the casue of younger men/older women although her partner is a few years younger. I think it may disturb her the thought of dating a thirty one year old when she is forty five. Not that this bothers me of course, it is an added atraction! Maybe we are both in a pickel at present, she has fears over her job and me battling depresion, quite a mix hey!