family frustrated

[phanteon]

Hi all

Long time since i've posted here didn't even know my account was still open
Anyway I have used this forum a few times to share experiences and not for dating. I have read a lot and got more insight on how and what...

Anyway Since my early 20's I came to the conclusion that I am not attracted to woman my age ( it was sooner but then again I was a teenager and teenagers are moody , etc...) Now I always dated older woman underground I mean I always found some excuse where I was going instead of telling that I was dating an older woman I've met on the street...
Now recently I came out of the closet to my friends and parents that I like to have a life partner that's much older than me. Since there were always questions on when I would bring a girlfriend at home , when am I going to start kids, etc... the usual stuff... Since I am in my mid 20's I thought to tell them how I felt about a life partner. My parents were shocked that their only son that could reproduce siblings wanted a woman that is close to their age or even over. My mother bursted out in tears and asked me why !? don't you want to have children , think about your future , it won't last , etc....

I know I have hurt my mothers feelings but I really can't date woman my age
How could I approach her and try to make her see it trough my eyes ?
I am just afraid if I try to explain it to her in depth that I would hurt her more. I don't want her left out of my life so how do I deal with my parents ?

Best regards

Edit: I am sorry I posted in the wrong forums I wasn't aware of it if a moderator could move it I would greatly appriciate it

[desertfish]

Can’t say I have any experience with that sort of situation, but since I don’t have any kids of my own, I’m pretty sure my parents (and especially my mum) will be reacting more or less the same way. So I’ve been doing a bit of thinking already on how I will approach the situation once the time comes that I need to tell them…

Actually, the way in which you described your mums reactions sounds very similar to how my aunt acted when my cousin told her he was gay. He got exactly the same questions/remarks. He tried to describe the reasons for his choice of lifestyle (if that is indeed the right expression) as best as he could. I guess you’ll need to try and do the same thing in your situation. On the other hand though, I also think you need to keep in mind that your parents will need some time in order to come to terms and accept your decision. But I’m sure they eventually will.

The way I see it, there are two very important factors in life that are on your side in order to help them see your choice of lifestyle. Suppose you got together with someone your age and eventually got married. Who’s to say that that relationship would last? Besides, what if that marriage were to last but it turned out that you and your wife couldn’t have any kids for some reason? They are both plausible scenarios so you never know what the outcome will be of any relationship. Does that then mean you have to base your lifestyle upon pure speculation? Me thinks its better to follow your own hart and get from life what you want. After all, its YOUR life. The only person who needs to be happy with it is you and no one else.

[houstoncougar]

and a great comment by df. It seems as if his parents did give the same kind of response that is very common when children come out to their parents. Your mother may never get over the fact that she will not be a grandmother but she loves you and will remain in your life no matter what if she's the kind of mother I think she is. After all she raised a terrific young man since you have come to terms with your own attraction to older women and know for a fact that all that it entails is what you want for yourself. I remember when I was about 25 I told my parents that if I was not married by the time I was 30 I planned to have a child out of wedlock. I half expected them to be upset etc. but my mother just said "oh ok we'll be happy if you're happy". Upon further questioning my parents explained to me that my unconventional behavior and my open minded yet slightly eccentric personality had always given them the impression that I would do things that other people didn't always agree with but that they loved me regardless. Your parents will come to terms with your decisions eventually as long as you are strong enough to stand by your convictions and move on with your life.

[phanteon]

Thanks for the replies !
I thought the same thing , that they will eventually come to their senses that it is my choice and they will come around. Aslong I am happy...
It's not that I am like a teenager anymore and that I am moody and still change alot if you know what I mean. I gave this loads of thoughts and looked at the pro's and cons about younger man / older woman relationships

Best regards

[giants84]

Most mothers never approve of your gf/wife no matter the age anyway. Same thing goes for us men, hence the mother-in-law jokes.

[nightfire]

My daughter brought home the man she intended to marry. He was my age. The entire family went into shock. When it is a YW/OM deal, the question of children is not impossible, but it is still problematic. However, my daughter simply kept repeating she loved him and she knew what she was doing and eventually we all fell in line and now, several yrs of marriage later, we see that...she was right. More recently (and much to my daughter's amusement) I found myself on the flip side of a similar relationship. My family did well with it, but we never got to the point of finding out how his family would react. Anyway, if I was your Mom (which I probably am old enough to be!), I'd do much better with your bringing home a woman you loved, and presenting her as such, her being older being just another fact about her, like hair color, than I would by your making a declaration that you plan to date only women considerably older. That (to me) makes a woman's age, not the woman herself ,the most...attractive? relevant? thing and seems a flimsy foundation upon which to base a relationship. Maybe this is why your Mom has reacted so negatively. Just a thought.

[beaw]

Originally Posted by nightfire

... and now, several yrs of marriage later, we see that...she was right.

....

I'd do much better with your bringing home a woman you loved, and presenting her as such, her being older being just another fact about her, like hair color, than I would by your making a declaration that you plan to date only women considerably older. That (to me) makes a woman's age, not the woman herself ,the most...attractive? relevant? thing and seems a flimsy foundation upon which to base a relationship. Maybe this is why your Mom has reacted so negatively. Just a thought.

Touchě! Nightfire,

Action speaks louder than words ... all the time

[ohioguy216]

All great comments. But let me throw a monkey wrench in this. I have a co worker who is now 32 and married to an older (42) woman. Not a huge difference. When they met ( him 25 , her 35) He did not want kids and she already had a few. NOW he wants kids ....

and she does not want anymore-- she wants the freedom to travel unencumbered and does not want a 10 year old when she's 52. Biologically, it would be hard on her too... but she does not even want to discuss children... she's done.

This a REAL life obstical of age gap relationship....

Has anyone here experienced that? What would you do?

[houstoncougar]

my husband got me to marry him by telling me I could have a baby as soon as I wanted and on the government's dime since he was in the Navy. I got pregnant on my honeymoon. I was 30 and he was 23. I always knew I wanted a child it was the conventional marriage that I knew I would never be able to participate in. If they agreed when they married to not have children then he needs to hold up his end of the deal so to speak and if he can't then he needs to tell her and they need to end the relationship before it hurts even more than it it going to right now.