My mom is freaking out about my 26 year old boyfriend

[sparklecat]

I recently started dating a 26 year old guy, I'm 33. Actually my last 3 boyfriends have gotten progressively younger tha me... 3 years younger, 4 years younger, and now 7 years younger. This is not on purpose.... its just who i've met and hit it off with.
Well the other day, my mom and I were talking on the phone and she started in with asking the "20 questions" about my new guy. Of coursze the first question was "how old is he". She immediately started being negative when I told her his age. Her immediate reply was "isnt he a bit young for you? After all, you are an OLDER, DIVORCED woman now.
She started bringing up the guy I dated 3 relationships ago, who WAS a complete dud (and I OBVIOUSLY figured that out since I'm not dating him anymore) She went on to say that my father is 4 years younger than HER and they hardly ever see eye to eye on things. Honestly, I think that at 61 and 65, their age difference has little if anything to do with that.
And hell, the guy I was married to (8 years ago, for 1 year) was 4 years OLDER than me, and obviouly was not the one either.
I asked her if she could just stop freaking out and that my new guy treats me with respect and kindness. I asked her if she could just try to be happy for me, and she said "no, I can't".

[buni]

That is not such a big age difference...why does she have a problem..and anyway...you are an adult why should it matter what anyone else thinks?
Welcome to the forums by the way.

[genevieve717]

I'll take a stab at this. First off, 7 years is not a huge gap at all. I've known people elsewhere who have much larger age gap relationships (I'm talking anywhere from 12-28 year age differences) who are quite happy together, and if you'd like, you can PM me for the site where there are much larger age gap relationships between older women/younger men.

Secondly, while I can understand and appreciate parental influences and wanting some type of approval from those we love and respect, ultimately, who's life is it? When do you live for you? When do you take your life in your own hands and decide what and where you want to go? It takes a mindset and a willingness to do what makes you happy as long as it's not at the expense of someone else. After all, shouldn't our loved ones want our happiness? We can choose the wrong person for a myriad of reasons, the least of which is age. If you're happy with this man, the real questions should be about how he's treating you, how you're getting along, not what year he was born.

Would she rather you were with someone your age, who treated you badly? Or with someone seven years younger who treated you the way you deserve to be treated? If you were under 18, maybe mom would have a right to tell you who to date and who not to date, but you are a grown woman, with the ability to make your own choices, your own mistakes, and have your own successes, and find your own happiness.

It's fine if she has an opinion, but remember, that's all it is. We're all entitled to our opinions. Let her have hers, let her express them if she wishes, but don't let what she believes affect your happiness, or dictate how you should live your life. Does she know him? Has she met him? Has she witnessed poor treatment of you? Does she have any reasonable, sensible objections that don't include mentioning his age? Or is that her only objection? If so, then there's really no basis for what she believes other than basing her opinion on some other guy you dated previously. See how that looks?

It truly has nothing to do with how your friends and family react, it's only how you let them make you feel about it. You have to be secure enough in yourself to learn to say, and mean it when you say it: I'm sorry you feel that way, but we're happy and it works for us.

[buni]

well said

[genevieve717]

Thanks, buni. I've seen this kind of thing a lot and learned from other people, where friends or family aren't happy with the choices, but unless a person is doing something completely hurtful to themselves or to others, then there really is no sensible objection.

Age gap relationships are not for everyone. If you are choosing to be in an age gap relationship, you cannot be the kind of person who lives and dies by what other people think of you, and you must be with a like-minded person, so that together as well as separately, you both have the courage to stand for what you want.

[houstoncougar]

I don't understand is why is it any of your mother's business how old your bf is and why would you tell her? If you volunteered the information I think you both need a lesson in boundaries. You already know what kind of person your mother is and what pushes her button and causes her to disrespect you and make you feel badly about your decisions and apparently to second guess yourself. You are still very young whether you realize it or not and I wouldn't even consider seven years an age gap. Gosh when I was your age I was married to a man 8 years younger than me and had a little girl and I would have walked out of my mother's house if she even tried to give me any sh*t like that...

[sparklecat]

thanks evryone for your views on this. It's reassuring to know that I'm not a bad daughter or a bad person for trying to do what makes ME happy first and foremost. Of course I want my mom's approval, she is my mother after all and I've always wished we could have a better relationship, BUT really looking at this situation and your responses has got me thinking about what kind of person she IS.
she's old fashioned, thinks it's wrong that I'm unmarried and not in the process of having kids at 33. She's told me numerous times that if I keep waiting, it will be too late. She even decorated one of the spare bedrooms in her house as a child's room. I am an only child, I undestand that she wants grandchildren, but this puts SO much pressre on me.
I found myself starting to freak out the othe day about where my relationship is going and how fast... This was 2 days after she was questioning and lecturing me about my boyfriend. Then I once again got a grip and realized that all I should be doing with this 7 week long relationship is enjoying myself.
but geez, am I sick of her telling me to date an older man. Next time I think I'm going to tell her if that's what SHE's into, then maybe SHE should leave my dad for an octogenarian, since he's sick of her control freak behavior, too.

[cynders]

OMG! what is your mothers problem? That is so sad that she cannot be happy for her own daughter. That is terrible. My guess is that this is more about how she isn't happy in her relationship.

I am a twice divorced 43 years old woman and my live-in boyfriend is 24 years old. (yes we are 19 YEARS APART in age)... and this summer will be our 2 year anniversary and he was only 22 when we 1st met. How do you think that I felt having to tell my mom (70 yrs old) about that huge age difference, it wasn't easy. But now that she has gotten to know him and sees how he treats me, she loves him too!

Plain and Simple my younger boyfriend and I TOTALLY connect and we are HAPPY and that is all that should matter in life, because life is way to short...

[sam_morrissey23]

I think that is a little strange she's reacted that way, 7 years is hardly a generation gap or something most people would class as a may-december relationship. Hopefully your mother will come around once she sees that you are happy, as Tarni has said..

[justshar]

lol I was in the opposite sorta of situation..my mom didnt say much but that it would take alot for me to keep him happy...his mother on the other hand freaked out when she found out our age gap...He is almost 26 and Im 41...were very happy together and very much in love...my kids love him and accept him for him because he is good to me and were happy. As long as your happy honey it dont matter what anyone else in the world thinks ..you live your life for you not to make others happy...life is too short...