I really NEED some advice!

[in2big]

Ok, so I have got it bad for this woman I work with...we dont really work the same shifts all the time but sometimes we do, but in different areas so i dont see her all the time. Anyway, I am 26, and she is probably in her early 40s. I think about her all the time and think about what it would be like if we were together, almost to the point where it feels good but at the same time its painful. another older woman, who is a mutual friend, told her about a year ago, that I was interested in her. My crush said she was flattered. Then the next day, she said that she was set in her ways and not sure if she wanted to date a co-worker. All this I heard thru our mutual friend.

About six months after our mutual friend let her know I like her, and very few sp**** conversations over that period of time, I got the nerve up to ask her out. The conversation started with me asking about her plans for the weekend, and she mentioned that she had to babysit for her brother. Then this was how the rest of the conversation went:

Me: Well, we should get together sometime when you are not babysitting.
Her: um, yeaaaah (she says unenthusiastically)
ME: ok, since you are busy this weekend, what are you doing during the week next week? (I totally phrased this wrong)
Her: Well, I work. Plus, I cant do anything during the week (cause she comes in at 545 am every morning!)
Me: Well, can I get your number so we can discuss this in more detail and maybe set up something.

Her: (in an unsure way) ummmm...I dont know..

At that point someone else entered the room and tried to strike up a conversation with her so I walked off. I was hurt. To me, it seemed like she was saying no without being direct.

Several months have passed since that conversation and now I have been getting mixed signals. Sometimes, she will say "hi" to me first whereas she didnt use to do that ( when she says hi she rarely smiles or makes eye contact) and ONE time she even struck up a short conversation with me, without me initiating. Then there are a lot of other times, especially if other people are around she doesnt acknowledge me or if I try to talk to her the conversations dont go anywhere because I end up doing most of the talking and she doesnt ask questions to get to know me. Then there have been times we have made eye contact (but she doesnt smile or show any interest otherwise).

Does it sound like maybe she is playing hard to get? should I try to ask her out again or leave the situation alone? Should I be more persistent or forget about her (if i should forget about her, lol, how do you get over a crush like this?) ? Another co-worker said that pretty much all women play hard to get and that I should be persistent but I dont wanna get a harassment suit lol. I told the coworker that I dont chase women around and if they dont respond after the first invitation, I just give up...maybe thats why I am single lol

Pointers please!

[sbrdbnt]

Unless you're leaving things out, odds are she isn't really interested. It could be on those occasional times where she strikes up a conversation, that she's just being a friendly co-worker. It does seem like you're at best in the friend "zone". That's better than the "that weird guy at work" zone though

As to actually getting over her, there's not really a simple answer. The best thing to do is get out there and start meeting more people. If you don't have much options out in the real world, and there aren't many cougars on this site in your area, I'd make one recommendation, presuming you're in a relatively populated area: Craig's List (craigslist).

If you read my recent thread from last week, several of those dates were from that site. None of those went very far though, so it's a mixed bag. Still, it was the place I got the most response from (compared to the many other "dating sites" I've been on), in regards to actually finding someone who'd actually be interested to meet face-to-face.

[buni]

I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds like she is not interested for whatever reason.
I would ask her straight up if she would like to have lunch or dinner with you. If she him haws around and doesn't give you a straight answer then you got your hint that she is not interested and it is time to move on.

I have learned the hard way not to mess with co-workers at work or get involved with them. Maybe it's just me but it makes things a lot more complicated in the workplace.

[buni]

Originally Posted by rampage12

I have learned the hard way not to mess with co-workers at work or get involved with them. Maybe it's just me but it makes things a lot more complicated in the workplace.

Makes it very awkward when things don't work out or if something actually does happen and there are regrets.

[in2big]

Originally Posted by rampage12

I have learned the hard way not to mess with co-workers at work or get involved with them. Maybe it's just me but it makes things a lot more complicated in the workplace.

Originally Posted by buni

Makes it very awkward when things don't work out or if something actually does happen and there are regrets.

you both have very valid points, but what if it is a person who worked in a different dept and had different shifts, would that be just as bad?

[in2big]

oh ok, Clark. I could see how that could happen. Plus she is very well known at work cause she has been with the company for years (17!) so she could very well do that and people would be more likely to believe anything she says.

[in2big]

Clark,

Thanks for the articles! Those did help. I probably should just focus on someone who I hardly see at work ( I have interest in another woman there...she is the one I mention in my blog titled, "how long to wait before asking out?") and leave this other woman along..If the relationship went bad, we would see each other everyday even though we are in different depts and it would be odd. I think it is already odd for her since the last time I asked her out.

Update: About two weeks ago, she came near where I work, and we started a brief conversation. I was questions but she was not asking questions back... the only time she will ask me a question is if it is job related, but if I start getting personal she gives short answers to my questions. I ask her what she was doing that weekend (right in the middle of the conversation), and she paused, then giggled, and said, "ummm, I am babysitting". Then soon after that I told her that perfume smelled good and I asked what brand it was...she acted as if she didnt hear me.

Now, a couple of days ago, I struck up a conversation with her about the work she was doing. The conversation never turned into anything other than work, but I was able to throw in some jokes, some of which she found really funny (but she has always laughed at my jokes, not sure if that means anything)...then I saw her later that day in the breakroom, just as she was leaving lunch with her work group and I was coming in...I started to stare at her and she caught me, stared back at me for a few seconds, and said, "what are you looking at?" I just shrugged my shoulders and laughed.

I really dont know what to do. A couple of my older female friends said I need to treat her as an afterthought and start acting uninterested. I mean, I dont want to ignore her if she walks by me and says hey...that would be rude.. Should I really just stop talking to her? Maybe I am thinking she is interested just because she sometimes talks to me first...and why would she stare back at me if she wasnt? I am so confused...She is in another dept but she is in management and I am not, and alot of people are her friends there. Last year on valentine's day, I put a card in her mailbox the day before (i was off that day), and when I saw her next,she said nothing about the card,but I am sure she showed someone at work that card.

I was considering asking one of her friends that I am friends with if she has said anything about me or if she is single, but that might cause rumors to get spread if her friend didnt already know i was interested in her.

[londoncalling]

I know you asked this question months ago, but I'm only responding to this now since I recently joined this site.

Trust me, she's just not interested. How do I know? Because I know exactly how she feels. I've been asked out by male co-workers (many of them younger than I am), even though I don't flirt with them. I always turn them down politely, because I don't want to date co-workers.

If these guys can't take no for an answer and can't see how uncomfortable they make me feel when they come on to me, I do exactly what that woman has done to you: When I have to them talk to them, I only about work, and I show no interest in their personal life. If I say hello to them, I don't smile, and I basically say out loud that I don't date co-workers. They all eventually get the message and back off.

Believe me, if a co-worker wants to date you, she'll find reasons to come by your work area to talk to you, even if you work different shifts. She'll be touchy-feely with you. She'll drop hints that she wants to hang out with you outside of work.

But even if she does all those things, you still have to be careful if you start dating and the relationship doesn't work out. And you have to be extra careful if one of you has a supervisor position over the other--that's even more potential for a lawsuit if things end badly.

Best of luck to you. My general advice would be to try to find a great woman who doesn't work with you. It'll save you a lot of hassles because most co-worker dating relationships don't work out.

[buni]

One of my male friends just told me earlier today that he would never date another co worker because it just made things way to awkward.