married to a cougar, help!

[baron_de_egypte]

hello everybody;
i wrote this article in the blog and i write it again her cuz i am really hurted. they say that love is the true reward of love, but with me " deception and treason are the best reward of love".
i feel i am in a deep trouble so please tell me what to do.
i knew a cougar who is 18 years older than me, we spoke and we liked each others. then, we planned to stay together forever instead of short term relationships and we decided to get married. before marriage, she told me about a friend of hers, a male friend, and that she ended up completely with all the three previous boyfriends. one day, i could steal her email password and guess what!!!!
she had about 6 boyfriends, but i don't know if there is one night stands or not, and that one of them is still in contact with her as a friend. in some emails, she was asking him to come to **** her for one month! but to say the truth, she asked him to bring his soul rather than his body and penis. these emails were two years b4 knowing me.
her close friend whom she told me about before turned to be her previous fiance, now i am very sure she slept with him before. she still have good relationship with him right now as a friend as she says. why did she lie to me like this? why did she marry me from the early beginning???
please tell me why did she marry me? and what can i do? did she commit a mistake, or is it me who looks always to the past rather than the present?
please help!

[sbrdbnt]

Originally Posted by baron_de_egypte

these emails were two years b4 knowing me.

A question I have here is, how much of the email communications is there that occurred before you and her got together? If these emails were from before you got involved, basically, just ignore them. They are her past, and she may have wanted (or indeed did) to do the things contained in the emails.

She *had* 6 boyfriends? These are in her past, except one which may still be a friend? He's an ex-fiance, and she told you about him in the beginning?

Let's be clear here, it's completely fine for someone to remain friends with an ex (and an ex-fiancee at that), if it stays as friends.


In her emails (which should be private, but what is done is done...) is there any indication that she might be cheating?

What has she done specifically that would imply she had cheated or may be cheating?


If I'm interpreting your post correctly, you have trust and insecurity issues. She may not have done anything wrong, particularly if all that stuff you've found out about is all in her past.

What did she lie about? Having 6 prior boyfriends (not including any that were pre-email)? She's how old? Did you specifically ask her about her dating history? If you didn't, and she didn't volunteer that information, she didn't lie about it. She probably assumed that because of her age, you would probably know that she's had boyfriends before you. If you had asked about it, and she hid it, yea, that's a bit of a lie.


As to why she married you, only one person can answer that. HER.


A few more details would be helpful. If I misunderstood anything, please clarify.

Originally Posted by baron_de_egypte

hello everybody;
i wrote this article in the blog and i write it again her cuz i am really hurted. they say that love is the true reward of love, but with me " deception and treason are the best reward of love".
i feel i am in a deep trouble so please tell me what to do.
i knew a cougar who is 18 years older than me, we spoke and we liked each others. then, we planned to stay together forever instead of short term relationships and we decided to get married. before marriage, she told me about a friend of hers, a male friend, and that she ended up completely with all the three previous boyfriends. one day, i could steal her email password and guess what!!!!
she had about 6 boyfriends, but i don't know if there is one night stands or not, and that one of them is still in contact with her as a friend. in some emails, she was asking him to come to **** her for one month! but to say the truth, she asked him to bring his soul rather than his body and penis. these emails were two years b4 knowing me.
her close friend whom she told me about before turned to be her previous fiance, now i am very sure she slept with him before. she still have good relationship with him right now as a friend as she says. why did she lie to me like this? why did she marry me from the early beginning???
please tell me why did she marry me? and what can i do? did she commit a mistake, or is it me who looks always to the past rather than the present?
please help!

[baron_de_egypte]

thank u sbrdbnt for ur reply; i'd like to clarify some missing facts and show u some hidden parts of my relationship with her. yesterday, i was completely in the mess cuz i discovered everything two days ago. now, i am a little bit relax and i tell u all facts:
1- she had an ex boyfriend, then she left him and went with another man. when she broke up with this man she asked her ex boyfriend to come to love her and sleep with her. then, she had a second man. she was still in contact with this ex boyfriend during having a relationship with this man! once she broke up with this man, she sent emails to this ex boyfriend asking him to love her and sleep with her. he confirmed in his emails that he is coming, but i truelly don't know what happened later cuz they stay in contact through phone and so on. give me one guarantee that she will not turn me and go with this ex boyfriend?
2- she lied to me once cuz i asked her openly to end up completely with this ex boyfriend cuz i am jealous, SHE SAID OK. then, i discovered that she sent him emails after our marriage to tell him we got married and she asked him to keep her informed about his recent news!
3- she lied a second time when i asked her directly about her past, she said I HAD ONLY THREE BOYFRIENDS and then i discover they were 6! why did she lie? why didn't she tell me the truth?
i am asking why did she marry me????????
please answer these questions cuz i find none at all.

[sbrdbnt]

It took several days to get through this response. Was a busy week...

Originally Posted by baron_de_egypte

thank u sbrdbnt for ur reply; i'd like to clarify some missing facts and show u some hidden parts of my relationship with her. yesterday, i was completely in the mess cuz i discovered everything two days ago. now, i am a little bit relax and i tell u all facts:
1- she had an ex boyfriend, then she left him and went with another man. when she broke up with this man she asked her ex boyfriend to come to love her and sleep with her. then, she had a second man. she was still in contact with this ex boyfriend during having a relationship with this man! once she broke up with this man, she sent emails to this ex boyfriend asking him to love her and sleep with her. he confirmed in his emails that he is coming, but i truelly don't know what happened later cuz they stay in contact through phone and so on. give me one guarantee that she will not turn me and go with this ex boyfriend?

Did any of this happen while you're with her?

No one can make any guarantees regarding she may or may not do.

You may want to ask her about it, but don't confront her about it.

Originally Posted by baron_de_egypte

2- she lied to me once cuz i asked her openly to end up completely with this ex boyfriend cuz i am jealous, SHE SAID OK. then, i discovered that she sent him emails after our marriage to tell him we got married and she asked him to keep her informed about his recent news!

Ok, so she contacted the ex after you were married to let him know that. That's normal for people who are friends and stay in contact. If she's asking for him to keep her informed, maybe she doesn't plan to regularly communicate with him, but would still like to know what might be happening in his life.

Originally Posted by baron_de_egypte

3- she lied a second time when i asked her directly about her past, she said I HAD ONLY THREE BOYFRIENDS and then i discover they were 6! why did she lie? why didn't she tell me the truth?
i am asking why did she marry me????????
please answer these questions cuz i find none at all.

There could be a few explanations regarding this. The first is that women typically don't reveal how many bf's they've had, and instead pick a number which doesn't make them appear to be a slut, or that they've had a bunch of bad relationships, by having a high number of bf's. Men on the other hand may make up a number that is larger than the number they have actually been with.

It's also entirely possible that her definition of what a bf is, is different than yours. She may have had 3 bf's that she considered relationship material, and 3 others which were flings, or friends "with benefits". If this is true, she may not count those flings as bf's.

As to why did she marry you, only she will be able to answer that. You need to have a conversation about this, but don't get angry, or confrontational. If you think you can handle the intimate details of her past history, allow her to reveal those without the threat of you punishing her for mistakes she may have made.

[baron_de_egypte]

thank u sbrdbnt for ur reply though u r busy;
i see the only way is to confront her cuz the exact answers will come from her, not from anyone else including me, but the problem is how to confront her? what shall i say? " i hacked on ur email address and i found so and so". tell me how to speak to her cuz it is embarrassing! i can't leave all these issues opened without knowing details or at least her comments.
second, i have lots of doubts around her cuz i admit that i am a jealous man by nature. so, if i decide to completely forget what i read, everything is going to happen between me and her is going to be related to these emails.
finally, i forgot to tell u that all the info i got were from one of her emails. still, there is a second email i really want to hack to know for sure the type of relationships she HAS and the type of people she know right now, not in the past. do u advise me to hack this email as well?
i never imagined that i am going to be like this with her, we sleep in the same bed and eat the same food, but my soul is not there with her anymore.

[sbrdbnt]

It's hard to see any easy way to resolve this situation, but there are always solutions, even if they are not the easiest to do.

Regardless of what you do, if you bring up anything from her email that she believes you may not be aware of, she will know that you had accessed her email.

If you want *any* honest answers on the situation, you do not want to be confrontational. If you confront them in anger, you only risk them clamming up as a defense, and it's like trying to get blood from a stone. You won't get the answers you seek, and just make the situation worse.

From reading this last response, the question that should be asked, is do you want to save the marriage? When the feelings are gone, or as you say your "soul is not there with her", it's hard to get those back, particularly if you are the jealous or insecure type. I lived with one of those for about 3 months. Not fun when you are automatically guilty until proven innocent for any minor thing.

So, let's presume you don't want to save the marriage, but just want answers. The first thing I'd do is just get the divorce papers ready. I'd tell her without being specific, that you found some things that concern you, and that you just want to know why. If she has been cheating, she may reveal what's been bothering her (usually if someone decides to cheat, they aren't happy in their situation and want something to change that). Happy people in wonderful relationships typically don't cheat. You will probably be the topic of her frustrations, and you may feel like you're getting kicked in the head, just take it without striking back (if you really want the answers).

With that said, if you do want to save the marriage, I would first go to a marriage counselor. I'd initially go alone, and talk with someone and get an opinion if it'd be possible for you to accept her back into your heart. Try to figure out if you can get over the hurdle of your jealousy. Once you figure out if you can continue in the relationship, ask your wife to go to the counselor alone for her to discuss anything that might be bothering her. Once that's done, go back for a couple other sessions together with your wife.

If you try to do this on your own and try to resolve the matter, your vision will probably be colored by your jealousy. If she has been cheating, she needs a neutral 3rd party to talk over the problems.

For all we know, alot of what you've described in this thread could be colored by the jealousy so it's hard to say what might be accurate or not. If something would be harmless or serious. Until I had firm evidence to indicate that she was actually cheating, I would be hesitant on accusing her of cheating.

While I'm no counselor, you can contact me off the forums to discuss this further.

[baron_de_egypte]

dear sbrdbnt;
if i don't care about her or if i don't love her anymore, i would have never been her to speak like this and i would have done divorce without a shadow of hesitation. the issue is that i want to save the marriage till the last moment, but her irresponsible action by contacting her ex despite my notice not to call him aroused all my doubts. if it was only hiding her past, i would say ok. but i see clearly there is hiding of the past and even the present!
for me, i accept any mistake but lies. if my wife comes one day crying and tell me that she slept with another man and she asks my forgiveness and that she will not do that again, i will simply forget as far as she respects my absence and she considers me as her confidant.
the problem is that i don't like those who stab in the back.
i'd be glad to speak to u personally sbrdbnt, please send me ur email address. i hoped when i started this thread that cougars will speak cuz they know such type of women, but i think cougars r on holiday

[sbrdbnt]

Check your forum private messages.

[triadea]

Originally Posted by baron_de_egypte

hello everybody;
i wrote this article in the blog and i write it again her cuz i am really hurted. they say that love is the true reward of love, but with me " deception and treason are the best reward of love".
i feel i am in a deep trouble so please tell me what to do.
i knew a cougar who is 18 years older than me, we spoke and we liked each others. then, we planned to stay together forever instead of short term relationships and we decided to get married. before marriage, she told me about a friend of hers, a male friend, and that she ended up completely with all the three previous boyfriends. one day, i could steal her email password and guess what!!!!
she had about 6 boyfriends, but i don't know if there is one night stands or not, and that one of them is still in contact with her as a friend. in some emails, she was asking him to come to **** her for one month! but to say the truth, she asked him to bring his soul rather than his body and penis. these emails were two years b4 knowing me.
her close friend whom she told me about before turned to be her previous fiance, now i am very sure she slept with him before. she still have good relationship with him right now as a friend as she says. why did she lie to me like this? why did she marry me from the early beginning???
please tell me why did she marry me? and what can i do? did she commit a mistake, or is it me who looks always to the past rather than the present?
please help!

dude,what happens in the past stays in the past...d'you know what i mean? this is older women we're talking about...women who really knows what she wants...maybe she's trying to settle down with u...just relax...don't be such a kid...

[lynda]

I have one question here why are you answering a thread that was created in 2008? Just curious....