Lovesick Lady Needs Advice

[londoncalling]

Help! I need advice on how to get the man of my dreams, who happens to be 11 years younger than I am. Do you believe it’s possible to know the first time you meet someone that you want to marry that person? Then read on …

Last year around this time, I met this amazing man at a business convention. I’ll call him Scott (not his real name). I’m currently 39 and he’s 28. Neither of us has been married and we don’t have kids. I’m not self-conscious about my age, mainly because people tell me I look and act like I’m in my mid-to-late 20s. In fact, most of the men who want to date me are younger than I am, and they’re usually in their late 20s to mid-30s. Most of them don’t have a problem with my age either. (I never lie about my age if someone asks.)

Scott and I were introduced by someone who worked with him at the time. I knew even before we met that Scott was attracted to me because I noticed him staring at me from across the room. When we met, our chemistry was undeniable and the more we talked, the more I realized that he’s exactly what I’ve been looking for in a soul mate. There is no question I want to be with this man.

I’ve never really experienced “love at first sight,” but that’s what it felt like. We have so much in common when it comes to our interests, sense of humor, family values, upbringing, intelligence level, and there’s definitely physical attraction too. He’s also very kind, funny, smart, handsome and everything I want in my ideal man. (No one’s perfect, but he’s perfect for me.) People tell me I’m a great catch and I don’t want to settle for just anyone. I have no doubt in my mind that Scott is the one I want. He doesn’t know my age yet, but I know he’s open to dating older women.

So here’s the problem. Actually, there are a few problems.

One: Scott lives in London and I live in New York. That’s not a major problem because I would willingly move to London if we ended up in a relationship. I love London, I know he doesn’t want to live anywhere else, and that’s fine with me.

Two: At the time we met, he had a girlfriend. When Scott and I met, he and his girlfriend at the time hadn’t been dating that long (less than six months), and I had a gut feeling that they probably wouldn’t last. When we met, I could tell he was too much of a gentleman to ask me out on a date, since we both knew he had a girlfriend back in London.

Three: Scott and I have only met twice, so far. Both times we met were in the same month. We’ve spent a total of about 45 minutes together, just talking and doing some flirting. We haven’t kissed or held hands or anything like that, but trust me when I say that it probably would’ve happened if he didn’t have a girlfriend at the time. I haven’t seen Scott in almost a year, but I’ll be seeing him in a couple of months because he’ll be in New York for a business event that I’ll be at too.

Even though I’ve met a lot of other men since I’ve met Scott, I haven’t been able to get Scott out of mind. I know deep down that he’s THE ONE. I can’t explain it. I just know. There’s no way to fully describe the way he makes me feel. The times that I spent with him were two of the happiest days of my life.

Now I’m going to answer some questions that I know I’m going to get …

Why haven’t I been in contact with him since I last saw him? There are many reasons and it’s not that simple.

First of all, I knew nothing was going to happen with Scott as long as he had a girlfriend. If he and I start dating, I don’t want it to be because I’m “the other woman.” Our chemistry is too strong for us to be “just friends.” Now that he’s available, I know he’s not the type of person to contact me out of the blue after all this time has passed. I know he’s the type of person who’ll wait to see me again before he decides to make his move. He probably doesn’t know my relationship status right now since we haven’t been in contact with each other in almost a year. The next time I see him, believe me, I’m letting him know I’m single, available, and interested in him.

Second, I haven’t contacted him through his job because his assistant screens his calls and all of his mail. I want to communicate with him directly and privately. I don’t have his cell phone number, personal email address or home number, and he doesn’t have mine. Because he had a girlfriend at the last time we saw each other, we would’ve looked like jerks if either of us had asked for each other’s personal contact info at that time. We’re not on MySpace or Facebook. (We’re both very private people.)

Third, I’ve learned from past experiences that men want to make the first move and they like to do the chasing. Whenever I take the initiative and do the chasing, it ends up being a disaster. So I’m going to let him make the first move.

Next question: Do Scott and I have any mutual friends?
Unfortunately, no. We met because of our jobs (we’re in the same industry), and the person who introduced us no longer works with Scott. There are a few people who work with him now whom I know very casually, but it would be creepy and inappropriate if I asked them to “hook me up” with Scott or if I used them as a “go between.” Anything I want to say to Scott, I want to say to him directly, not through someone else.

Next question: How do I know he’s single and available now?
Scott is a rising star in our industry, he’s a very eligible bachelor, and I find out things about him because people in our industry talk about him. I know there are a lot of other women who want to be with him, but I’m not worried about that because I know I’m his type and I know how our intense our chemistry was. The only thing I don’t know is what’s going to happen next when I see him.

So my big question is (and if any men are reading this, help me out): What would be the best thing to say to get him to ask me out on a date, considering that I have a very limited time to see him when he’s in New York?

I may be 39 years old, but I haven’t had a lot of serious boyfriends and I don’t pretend to have the answers when it comes to love and dating, since this long-distance situation has never happened to me before. I don’t want to be “easy,” and I don’t want to be a “friend with benefits.” I want to be Scott’s girlfriend, and possibly his wife. I want to be open with him, but I don’t want to be too forward and scare him off. The next time I see him, I plan to drop hints about how much I love London and how I see myself living there someday. (I know he won’t get into a serious relationship with me if he thinks I won’t ever move to London.)

My immediate concern is how Scott and I can take things to the next level (dating) in the limited time I have with him while he’s in town. I’m not desperate and I’m not a slut. I want to have a meaningful relationship with him. He's the type that won't call or email at work if he's contacting me for personal reasons. My gut instinct tells me that it’s not a good idea to give him my personal contact information (home phone, cell phone and personal email address) unless he asks for it. I really need advice on what I should do.

[houstoncougar]

that tired me out just reading it I would hate to be the person living it! Personally, I don't believe that you can be that convinced about someone on just that little info and time and I think if he knew how you felt he would probably run for the hills. But and it's a big but I am the type of person who would just ask him out when I saw him. I would tell him that I thought of him often since we last met and that nothing would please me more than if we could have dinner together while he was here. Then just take it from there. If he feels at all like you do it will naturally flow and you will not have to worry about what to say or do it will just happen because it was meant to happen not because you had to manipulate the situation in the least bit. That of course is just my two cents but there is no way if I felt like you do that I would sit around and wait for him to make the first move someone else might get to him before you do...

[londoncalling]

Houstoncougar, thank you for your comments. It's always great to hear another perspective. I guess I should explain that even though Scott has rocked my world, I'm not going to tell him right off the bat that I want us to get together for a meaningful relationship.

These strong feelings that I have for him are real -- call it woman's intuition or a gut instinct -- and I know several happily married people who say they felt the same way the first few times they hung out with their future spouse, but they didn't reveal those feelings until later when the relationship became more serious. That's what I plan to do if Scott and I get to that point.

I'm a confident woman but I just know from experience that men generally like to do the chasing and they get scared off if they think a woman they're attracted to has fallen hard really fast, so I'm probably not going tell him right away how much I've thought about him since we met. I don't want him to think I'm a psycho stalker, because I'm not. In fact, I knew which hotel he was staying at during his business trip to New York last year, but I didn't want to call him there at the time because I thought that would be inappropriate and too aggressive. Scott and I had a very strong connection that wasn't acted on the last time we saw each other because he had a girlfriend at the time. Now that he's available, I know the next time we see each other will be crucial.

I've already made up my mind that I won't ask him out on a date first. I want him to ask me out. I have no problem flirting with Scott and letting him know I'm available and interested in him, but I also know how important it will be for him to feel like he's chasing ME and that I'm somewhat of a challenge.

So I guess I need good ideas on what I should say to him the next time I see him. He'll only be in New York for a few days. I know I should drop hints asking him what his schedule is like and then make it known that I'm available when he has free time during his business trip here. But if I say right away, "I would love to have dinner with you," that's the same thing as asking him out, and I want him to give him a chance to ask me out first without jumping all over him. I also know he's the type of guy who will want to suggest what we do on a date first.

I agree with you that if it's meant to be, it will happen. But I want to say the right things first and not scare him off by coming on too strong. And the situation is complicated because it's not as if I have all the time in the world to see him again. He and I live in two different countries, so whatever happens the next time I see him has to be meaningful enough that he'll want to pursue a long-distance relationship with me until I can move to London. I probably wouldn't be asking for advice if he and I lived in the same area because we would've had many chances to see each other again since we first met.

[houstoncougar]

think you misunderstood me. I didn't mean for any of it to sound like a stalker at all but I do think that one of the things that younger men like about older women is that they don't play games and they go after what they want. Flirting is fine but making up your mind to wait and see if he asks you out is sort of high schoolish behavior to me. I know you don't want to come across as intimidating or whatever but remember you're the one who wants him you have no idea if he wants you in return. Sure there might have been sparks flying way back when but men tend to loose interest pretty quickly or he might also be thinking of you but only as a dinner date and a potential fun time while he was in town. Actually what might have been's is sometimes a lot better than the actual what is. Hopefully some young guys will comment of this since I think our way of dealing with men is pretty different.

[kpsi]

I just happen to be a 28-year-old guy, so here's my two cents:

Yes, men will often get scared off if they think a woman is falling them too hard or too fast. But I have to agree with houstoncougar and say you should "make a move" if you're interested. As HC said, some time has passed and you don't really know if he wants you in return. Men think confidence is attractive, and what better way to appear confident than to ask him out?

But if he's someone who would like to suggest what to do for a 1st date, I do understand your hesitation. I still say "go for it", but if you're truly afraid that won't work-- maybe you should try to figure out what he's doing with his free time while he's in town (like you said) and then see if you can do something together. You said you two have common interests, what's something that he likes to do that you might be able to do together?

[realmanintexas]

If I were you I would try emailing him, and if he emails you back, then that's your green light to asking him out. Complement him on his success in your industry in the email if possible - give him something to talk about.

[buni]

Holy ****! I think you need to just go up to him and ask him out or let it go...
and my opinion is that you don't know him well enough to be in love with him...you are infatuated.

[buni]

wow..i can't say c r a p on here? LOL oh that is funny

[londoncalling]

Thank you all for your comments. I agree with a lot of the advice, except I think it would be a big mistake if I asked him out first. I want to give him a chance to ask ME out on a date. He's not a shy person, and if he wants to ask me out, he will. Of course, I'm going let him know I'm available and interested, now that he doesn't have a girlfriend.

I know that people can talk all they want about equality in dating, but the reality is there isn't equality in dating, and that's not changing anytime soon. Men generally like to do the chasing, and if the woman takes the lead on too many things, the guy doesn't see you as serious relationship material. Many of my male friends have confirmed that's what guys really think, but they're not going to say it to women they want to date, because they don't want women to think they're sexist. There's a lot of truth in that book "He's Just Not That Into You."

I'm a strong, independent woman and I've done my share of asking men out first. And believe me, I know from experience and many other experiences of other women I know, that men may be flattered when a woman asks them out on a date first, but the guy eventually gets bored or frustrated because there's no chase involved with women who always want to take the lead. Unless a man is totally lazy, a wimp, or extremely shy, they want to do the chasing and they want to ask women out first.

I'll give you two scenarios of what could happen when Scott's visiting in New York.

SCENARIO #1: I say to him, "I've been thinking about you a lot since we last saw each other. Would you like to go to dinner?"

SCENARIO #2: I'll find out when he has free time and then casually ask him if there's anywhere he'd like to go in New York that he hasn't been to before. Then he'll probably mention a few places and then I'll kind of joke, "People tell me I'm an excellent tour guide. You just might need me to show you around so you won't get lost." If he wants to go out on a date with me, he'll take my comments as a great opening to ask me out.

The first scenario may be a more direct approach, but I think the second scenario will work better, because that way I'm giving him a chance to ask me out first and decide where he'd like to go on the date. If I let him do the asking, he won't think I'm coming on too strong.

Realmanintexas, thanks for suggesting that I email him, but as I mentioned earlier, I only have his work email address and his assistant screens all his mail and phone calls. The next time I contact him, I want it to be private. I also think it would be a little awkward if I emailed him out of the blue after not being in contact with him since we last saw each other almost a year ago. I'm pretty sure he'd remember me if I emailed him, but I'd rather wait to see him in person when he's here in New York in a couple of months.

Buni, I agree, I'm not "in love" with him in the sense that my life won't be destroyed if I don't end up in a relationship with Scott. But I definitely feel like he's someone I would want to be in a serious relationship with, if my instincts about him are correct. I've dated other men since I've met Scott but none of them compare to him and how I felt when I was with him. And I haven't even kissed him yet. That tells you how strong a connection I felt with him. It's hard to explain unless you've been through it yourself.

[buni]

Well i hope everything works out for you. I do think the second scenario is an excellent idea
Let us know how it goes and good luck