Problem, need advice

[diamonddoe]

I have an unusual situation. I'm geographically isolated, 37 years old, still pretty good looking, fit, attractive . . . and until recently so disgusted with men and the way they behave that I'd pretty much decided to be celibate for the rest of my life. It doesn't help much that I'm very much comfortable with solitude and don't feel I "need" a man to be complete.

The problem is this: I've gotten close to this 17 year old kid recently. No cybering, I've been very careful to hold him at arm's length, but he's smitten with me. It's very good for my ego to be told I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, etc etc etc. I've tried telling him this is just a crush and he'll get over it and meet other women, but I'm the only woman he'll ever love . . . you get it. Very sincere and very sweet, doesn't set off the bull**** detector at all.

And we do get on very very well indeed. Similar interests, our brains work in similar ways. I'm not an easy person to get to know at all but he's gotten to know me pretty well. I don't *think* he's playing with me (though of course you never can tell, I'm prepared to be cynical and bitter if it turns out he is).

The problem is this: I just don't think it's realistic. He's still in school, he'd have to grow up a whole lot before he could even consider coming out here and even meeting me, let alone the whole thing about dating, relationship, etc etc. And being 37 it's sort of now or never if I want to have a kid (and to be honest, not at all sure I want one but it's in the back of my mind).

So what do I do? At the moment I'm trying to brutally eradicate any thought that there could be more to this than just an online friendship. I think of myself as an older sister/friend type but he's just so persistant with the whole "why are you so hung up on age?" thing. And he's got a point.

But is 17 *too* young?

What do you think?

[tarni]

I would say just to keep it legal. If 17 is too young for the law, it should be for you. A 20 year difference is not the issue here - but if it was, I'd say go for it as long as it is mutual. Just don't go to jail for this.

[thunderhorse]

17 is too young for anyone over the age of 18 nowa days

[cynders]

Hi there,
I am 19 yrs older than my boyfriend and he is very smitten with me too and I understand the whole tick tick tick thing better than anyone since I'm 42. But this guy that your talking about isn't even of age, I would say be the bigger person here and let it go. Trust me there are many other fish in the sea and one will swim into your life when you least expect it.

[greeneyedgal]

Too young. Too green. Can't even see how it would be appealing even just for SEX. Which is what he really wants. He wants your experience. So no need wondering about the kid thing etc...just make sure you use good birth control, if you are curious and do decide to go for it.

[esoterio]

Put the illusion down and back away from from the drama!!! A 17 y/o boy is no way emotionally stable enough to handle a relationship like this. Not to mention even of legal age to handle it. Remember, he wont go to jail for this! It's amazing how a few years can really put this into perspective. A guy would be more able to deal with this once he's, at least, in his early-to-mid twenties. All you'd end up doing now is turning this young boy out and who knows what would happen once that goes down. Emotionally, he'd be completely consumed by you if you put it on him like a well-seasoned woman of a certain age can. This can be very dangerous for you at his age. He needs a few more years to mature in this regard. As far as an older woman is concerned, he should shoot for someone alot closer to his age but not more than 5 years. Reason: while you're talking about mortgages and pre-schools he's more concerned about the new X-BOX games coming out and how his job at the mall can't pay for them all. So, be very careful! I'm quite sure you've seen what's going on in the news lately.

[compnurse]

In the state I live in, you would go straight to jail/prison or whatever for such a relationship. He is a minor and even if he is smitten he is in NO way mature enough for such a relationship, even if mature for his age. YOU would be the one who is punished!

[hidesertdreamer]

I'm going to share a true story with you DiamondDoe as it mirrors almost exactly a situation I found myself in when I was in my early 30's. This was long before internet dating, cougars, X-boxes and people thinking young men in their late teens to early 20's were "too young" for a relationship or marriage. Too young for a relationship but not too young to go and die or be maimed by of the senseless wars that have been and are still being fought this very instant. There was no cyber-dating. Every bit of this was in person, in your face.

I was working at a wonderful German restaurant somewhere in Colorado and when I came to work one day there was this tall, attractive, bespeckled, new guy apprenticing with the chef. He had the most amazing smile, gorgeous green eyes, was funny and sweet and we were immediately attracted to each other. He was a golden gloves boxer and was in great shape too ;->

We flirted and made eyes at each other for a few weeks and then at a company Holiday party we got more acquainted with each other. As this situation progressed, I was under the impression that he was in his mid 20's and he thought I was about the same age....lol. He worked full time so I surmised that he was over 21. He looked and carried himself like a man because he was a man.

I knew he was a painter, musician, chef and boxer. What I didn't know until that fateful party was that because he was so smart, he had graduated high school early and was just a few months shy of 18. He had his own car, full-time job, apartment and studio.

The attraction between us was so strong and grew every day because we saw each other at work 5-6 days a week. Well, when we got to talking in more depth at the party, we discovered there was a 14 year agegap between us. Nobody was more surprised than me. He asked me if I would date him and I said yes, once he turned 18. I was concerned but liked him so much that I was willing to give it a try.

We started dating as soon as his 18th birthday rolled around. As I said he was a painter and what a painter he was. This guy had so much to offer it was really tough to think of him as a boy because he wasn't. He was a man. There was tremendous opposition from his family, especially his mother. We weathered the storm for a while and fell deeper in love. At this point in the relationship, I was doubting myself. Not because of family pressure but because I had no idea I would weather aging as well as I have.

We stayed together for over 3 years and did talk marriage. I was the one who wussed out and I still regret it to this very day. He was a true gem and I am so thankful for the time we did have together. If he were to cross my path again and was available, I wouldn't hesitate for a nano-second to try to reconcile with him. He was one of the "true" loves of my life and I let him go because I was afraid of how we would be perceived and my own sense of inadequacy at the time regarding the age difference between us.

At that point in time, 15 was the age of consent in Colorado and at 18 you were considered an adult. By the time I was 18 I had had to deal with my mothers' murder, the loss of my first child, being sexually assaulted while pregnant by my father and losing everything that held my world together.

We all grow and mature at different levels and there are as many reasons for that as there are people. If the bond between the two of you is really true, wait until he is 18 and if it's truly good, don't let him go. Those chances only come around one or twice in a lifetime. As long as he is "legal" and your hearts' are sympatico, I say go for it.

Rooting For Love,
Dreamer

I see NO issue at all with the age difference in itself...perhaps just the age. I know every guy is different...just look at Dreamer's story of pain and regret. I think that he truly believes he is madly in love and nobody will ever convince him otherwise. And if you are willing to accept that he may change his mind as he enters his 20's...HUGE changes happen here...remember?....You could at least enjoy his love for awhile. But if you're hearing the baby clock ticking, it's probably best to move on so you don't regret being with him. OR....screw everything and have a baby with him! If it doesn't last, at least you have your baby you wanted! ;-)~

[dragonup32]

Originally Posted by diamonddoe

I have an unusual situation. I'm geographically isolated, 37 years old, still pretty good looking, fit, attractive . . . and until recently so disgusted with men and the way they behave that I'd pretty much decided to be celibate for the rest of my life. It doesn't help much that I'm very much comfortable with solitude and don't feel I "need" a man to be complete.

The problem is this: I've gotten close to this 17 year old kid recently. No cybering, I've been very careful to hold him at arm's length, but he's smitten with me. It's very good for my ego to be told I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, etc etc etc. I've tried telling him this is just a crush and he'll get over it and meet other women, but I'm the only woman he'll ever love . . . you get it. Very sincere and very sweet, doesn't set off the bull**** detector at all.

And we do get on very very well indeed. Similar interests, our brains work in similar ways. I'm not an easy person to get to know at all but he's gotten to know me pretty well. I don't *think* he's playing with me (though of course you never can tell, I'm prepared to be cynical and bitter if it turns out he is).

The problem is this: I just don't think it's realistic. He's still in school, he'd have to grow up a whole lot before he could even consider coming out here and even meeting me, let alone the whole thing about dating, relationship, etc etc. And being 37 it's sort of now or never if I want to have a kid (and to be honest, not at all sure I want one but it's in the back of my mind).

So what do I do? At the moment I'm trying to brutally eradicate any thought that there could be more to this than just an online friendship. I think of myself as an older sister/friend type but he's just so persistant with the whole "why are you so hung up on age?" thing. And he's got a point.

But is 17 *too* young?

What do you think?

I dated a 17 year old when I was 36. That relationship lasted about 7 years. I'm not with him anymore, but he still loves me very much. He would do anything for me, even now. I'm in constant contact with him.

It's unfair to bring baggage from past failed relationships. Check that dirty baggage at the door. Life's too short to carry around dirty baggage. Love like you've never been hurt before. Give it your best if you want the best. Too many people give partial effort because of failed relationships in the past, yet they expect something other than yet another failure. So what if you get hurt? It's part of life.

Who are we to say what other is feeling, or predict that it's only ephemeral? I went through the same rationalization as yourself, and I deeply regret it to this day. I treated that relationship as being temporary, and I was dead wrong. It was inconsiderate and disrespectful of someone else's feelings. You wouldn't want someone to assume that he knows how you feel simply because he's older. What you feel is what you feel. Treat him with the same respect you want. That he's 17 doesn't justify presumptive remarks about how he feels and where all this is going to go.

Wait until he's 18 to have a sexual contact. These postings about your "relationship" being illegal are ignorant remarks. Let them pull up the code section to support that nonsense.